…to be an exchange student. Its the hardest thing I’ve ever done, never ever have I cried this much, but at the same time I’ve never been happier. I’ve gone through so many things these couple of months, I’ve changed a lot. I’m different now, not the same Louise. All of this makes me so scared… especially to go home… and face my home, my family and friends. I’m scared to go back to all the things I did 10 months ago.

Its not that I don’t want to go home, cause I really do. I’m so excited to see you guys at the airport and get to hug you all after these months. And it will be great to spend some time with you all again.

But I’m so terrified to walk out through custom at the airport in Fresno, and say goodbye to my friends, family over here. I love people over here, more than I ever thought were possible. It seems so weird to me that people that once just were names on a sheet of papers now I deeply love. My heart brakes when I think about all of this things and its hard not to do it. Every day I get reminded, feels like I have no time left . There’s no time left… Soon I’ll be laying in my nice and comfy bed back in Sweden, not here, in my american one… Crap my tears just started to fall. I feel like a jerk who’s sitting here an crying but its so many different feelings, that are so hard to describe. I’ve never felt this way. So many thing have happend these months…

I have four mothers, four fathers, four sisters and three brothers. That’s so weird… in my whole life I’ve always wanted a sister and now I have four…

I remember when I arrived here in California and the first couple of weeks were great, but after a few weeks I started to feel real homesick. I send my mom all these emails were I said that I had no clue how I would survive these 10 months without them. The only thing I wanted to do was to take the fastest flight home, but I never did. I remember in school, it was tough. I didn’t let myself cry, I was holding everything inside, it felt like I was going to brake. I remember I called mom on Skype and she saw all the marks I had on my lip from biting myself there when I wanted to cry (I know it seems kinda weird) and she just told me: Cry Louise, just cry… and I did. It was such a nice feeling, just to let all the feelings go away for a while.

Specially I remember one day right before the first bell where going to ring at school, I was talking to mom on the phone the wish her happy birthday. And I asked her if she could see the sun and she could. It felt so great that we were able to look at exactly the same thing exactly at the same time because it made me realize that we weren’t that far away from each other an that no matter what she were always going to be my mother. And everyday after that I have always kept looking up at the sun, the moon or the stars, it were a great connection for me between my life here and my life back in Sweden.